Hallelujah

I swear I'm going to blog about this song in depth sometime.
but for now, just look it up.
Hallelujah by Kate Voegele

What Is ___?

I feel like a two year old.
I have these questions like,

What is love?
What does Hosanna really mean?
What is grace?
Why can't I define Holy?

I know there are dictionary definitions to my questions. . .
but I want to know these things.

I want to know experience.
I want to feel the odd kind of relationship between love and grace and brokenness and sin.

I lost the rest of my thoughts. . .
so goodnight

an abundance of contradictory emotions

I want to cry. I want to break down. I want to be held by my God. I want to be whole.
I have at least two sided emotions where I feel one way and then the other.
Almost simultaneously.

What does this say about me?

God, I want to be focused. I want to be wholly human through emotions, thought and spirit.
and yet there are these emotions that pull me. . .

We have been talking about the doctrine of sin in my theology class. It is so unexplainable what Wholeness looks like. All we know is sin. . . and a sin impacted world. Did the world have this confusion of thoughts and emotions before sin came into humanity?

Its frustrating.
And confusing. . .
Abba, Hold me Daddy.
I want to be whole through you.

He Loves Me!

I don't know quite how to explain this . . .
but,
I was at worship last night. It was such a good time.
We sang your love is extravagant.
It talks about how God considers us friends. . .
I compare myself in relationships to others
wondering why people would want to be friends with me.
I am not self confident
but I don't often wonder why Jesus pays me a second glance.

Why is that?

Honestly,
I don't think I was letting Jesus love me.
I didn't feel like I was enough. . or just didn't really recognize the imago dei within me that He so values and sees as precious.
Well,

Now i'm letting Him.
Jesus loves me.
I feel renewed.

On Relationships

Ok, so connecting to my previous post, I had a thought.

A friend and I were talking today about the nature of relationships (friends, acquaintance, dates, etc.)
We were discussing our tendency of bringing our human gifts and support into the relationships instead of bringing transparency and a willing spirit and a desire to see God work in and through the relationship.

I think lately I have taken a lot of my relationships to heart. . . almost like a burden and not as a joy. I know it sounds awful, and that's not my intent. I'll try to explain further.

I think I've been taking too much of the responsibility of relationships onto my shoulders instead of allowing that to be inspired my God.
Does that make more sense?
It's just a journey of giving it up to him.

I'm still thinking. I'll let you know.
Goodnight.

Snow Feeling

I went walking in the snow the other night. It was beautiful, it was mysterious, it was surreal. It was peaceful. I felt all those things.
Beauty. Peace. Mystery.

. . . and yet, I also felt that there was something deep in my heart that I wasn't surrendering to.

I still feel like this.
I have kept my self pretty busy since said snow walk, so I haven't had a time to get into my thoughts. . .

Honestly, I have mixed feelings when looking deep at my life/feelings/dreams. I get disappointed that the person I am is not the person I thought was becoming. . . and then I get excited about what is takin place there.. .

I don't know. I guess this post is just the precursor to my thoughts and ponderings. . .
I'll leave it at that.

Understanding

I was with a friend tonight. We were just talking about life and passions and dreams. I can't really understand their mind. He answered a few questions just about how he thought. . . and then asked me why I wanted to know these things...

I want to understand.

I want to get life.

I don't want to miss anything....

I think lately I've felt that I am skimming the surface on life and issues and opportunities that I want to wrestle with and experience.

I caught up with another friend last night. She said that she is tired of being so caught up in the everyday task of school, work, homework, family etc. It's hard to dream big then and see beyond the next 24 hours.
But, is this really living? Day to day? task to task?

I want to transcend what is task and see what is purpose.

I want understanding.