Coffee this morning

I have no creative way to title this blog entry. Honestly, I think I shut down when I come home from school. I get to relax, I get to be comfortable, I get to chill when I'm home. I don't think or write half as much.
I had coffee with an amazing lady this morning. She has been a mentor to me for a year or two now. She makes me think. She challenges me. . . and we get excited together about connecting theology, reality, creativity and humanity together.

This morning we got to talk about the evangelical church, the holistic theology movement and a type of evangelism that connects stories together. Ok, sorry, let me unpack that.

My mentor recently was in seminary. I don't know how we got to this topic but we starting talking about the "evangelical christian/church" and how the main focus is on "saving souls". some times the part of humanity or environmental issues gets pushed aside. How can we push aside the issue of holistic ministry to chop it up and PICK the part that saves souls? Jesus healed, God created the earth. And I am not trying diminish the value of where our souls are in relation to God. . . but how can we ignore the other. My mentor was saying that it is rooted in evangelical theology that there is going to be a "new heaven" , new earth" and "new bodies" therefore the soul is the main focus. . . .

So, is there a term for christians in america that want the focus to be on holistic ministry?

One more note, we talked a little on evangelism as knowing and understanding some ones story so to connect it or be able to relate it to Gods story. . . this is beautiful. unpack that thought.
see that in order for people to see God as a creator and lover and redeemer they have to relate their story to Gods. . .
compare this to the "track" evangelism or a 3 step manual of being saved. . . (that i grew up with. . . this is why I thought this was so cool).

ok, sorry these thoughts are so chopping and the writing is awful. . .
but I promised katherine I would blog!
I'm thinking on spring break! . . . and lovin it!
peace

Hallelujah

I swear I'm going to blog about this song in depth sometime.
but for now, just look it up.
Hallelujah by Kate Voegele

What Is ___?

I feel like a two year old.
I have these questions like,

What is love?
What does Hosanna really mean?
What is grace?
Why can't I define Holy?

I know there are dictionary definitions to my questions. . .
but I want to know these things.

I want to know experience.
I want to feel the odd kind of relationship between love and grace and brokenness and sin.

I lost the rest of my thoughts. . .
so goodnight

an abundance of contradictory emotions

I want to cry. I want to break down. I want to be held by my God. I want to be whole.
I have at least two sided emotions where I feel one way and then the other.
Almost simultaneously.

What does this say about me?

God, I want to be focused. I want to be wholly human through emotions, thought and spirit.
and yet there are these emotions that pull me. . .

We have been talking about the doctrine of sin in my theology class. It is so unexplainable what Wholeness looks like. All we know is sin. . . and a sin impacted world. Did the world have this confusion of thoughts and emotions before sin came into humanity?

Its frustrating.
And confusing. . .
Abba, Hold me Daddy.
I want to be whole through you.

He Loves Me!

I don't know quite how to explain this . . .
but,
I was at worship last night. It was such a good time.
We sang your love is extravagant.
It talks about how God considers us friends. . .
I compare myself in relationships to others
wondering why people would want to be friends with me.
I am not self confident
but I don't often wonder why Jesus pays me a second glance.

Why is that?

Honestly,
I don't think I was letting Jesus love me.
I didn't feel like I was enough. . or just didn't really recognize the imago dei within me that He so values and sees as precious.
Well,

Now i'm letting Him.
Jesus loves me.
I feel renewed.

On Relationships

Ok, so connecting to my previous post, I had a thought.

A friend and I were talking today about the nature of relationships (friends, acquaintance, dates, etc.)
We were discussing our tendency of bringing our human gifts and support into the relationships instead of bringing transparency and a willing spirit and a desire to see God work in and through the relationship.

I think lately I have taken a lot of my relationships to heart. . . almost like a burden and not as a joy. I know it sounds awful, and that's not my intent. I'll try to explain further.

I think I've been taking too much of the responsibility of relationships onto my shoulders instead of allowing that to be inspired my God.
Does that make more sense?
It's just a journey of giving it up to him.

I'm still thinking. I'll let you know.
Goodnight.

Snow Feeling

I went walking in the snow the other night. It was beautiful, it was mysterious, it was surreal. It was peaceful. I felt all those things.
Beauty. Peace. Mystery.

. . . and yet, I also felt that there was something deep in my heart that I wasn't surrendering to.

I still feel like this.
I have kept my self pretty busy since said snow walk, so I haven't had a time to get into my thoughts. . .

Honestly, I have mixed feelings when looking deep at my life/feelings/dreams. I get disappointed that the person I am is not the person I thought was becoming. . . and then I get excited about what is takin place there.. .

I don't know. I guess this post is just the precursor to my thoughts and ponderings. . .
I'll leave it at that.

Understanding

I was with a friend tonight. We were just talking about life and passions and dreams. I can't really understand their mind. He answered a few questions just about how he thought. . . and then asked me why I wanted to know these things...

I want to understand.

I want to get life.

I don't want to miss anything....

I think lately I've felt that I am skimming the surface on life and issues and opportunities that I want to wrestle with and experience.

I caught up with another friend last night. She said that she is tired of being so caught up in the everyday task of school, work, homework, family etc. It's hard to dream big then and see beyond the next 24 hours.
But, is this really living? Day to day? task to task?

I want to transcend what is task and see what is purpose.

I want understanding.

a question on being real

Hi All,

So, I had this thought today. I struggle with this quite often actually.

I want to be authentic in everything I do in life. However, when I actually embrace that I am having a bad day or I let a situation effect my personality I feel guilty. There are so many people that are dealing with more harsh conditions. Why should I have a bad day because I woke up late or because I didn't do as expected on a quiz....?

Do I have a right to embrace authenticity when transparency leaves me feeling upset over small issues in life?

Life is wonderful

Thoughts later but this has been on repeat on my computer...

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a storie
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la

It takes a night to make it done
And it takes a day to make you young brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la

It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a lost before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to show you care
It takes a hole to see a mountain

Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is full of
Ah la la la la la life is so full of love
Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la life is full of
Ah la la la la la life is so full of love

I saw

I get frustrated with myself alot. I know most people probably do. I not only get frustrated at myself but then I get annoyed at that taking over all my thoughts.
But the most recent self absorbed thought was this:
I am not a quite person. I know this. But I have recently got annoyed at myself for not talking sometimes. I will talk at all the easy times and then when it is time to engage a person, issue, event, etc. I decide that my ideas, opinions aren't worth mentioning.
Do I really struggle with this much of a lack of confidence?

I have the song I saw by Matt Nathanson in my head.
The chorus keeps going through my head...

And I saw
Pictures in my head
And I swear I saw you opening up, again
Cuz I would be heavenly
if baby you'd just rescue me, now

I have substituted the last line. Baby if you'd come to me now. . .

I think God looks at me every day and has these thoughts. I feel like I get right to the edge of surrender or opening up completely and then I turn. . . and do what?

I don't know.
I really had sat down to write this blog on a totally different topic...guess that'll have to wait.

Love or the Idea

I hate that I even have to ask this question.
Are we in love with something, someone, some cause...
Or are we in love with the idea of being in love?

This can relate to anything. It can't be limited to love.

Is our generation sold out for ending poverty one human at a time?
Or do we like the idea of doing something?

Is the second wrong?
Obviously the first would be preferred...

Just saying...
Just asking....

are we an idea driven generation...
or are we willing to put our hearts on the line for a project, emotion, people group?

All the same~ sick puppies

I dont mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you're here

[Chorus]

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
Suddenly
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am

I dont mind, I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same

In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
Its all the same

Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Miracles...of the little sort

I've been struggling some lately. I have felt God calling me out of one ministry...and into...He only knows. It has been really hard. I love that ministry and have a heart for the people, who have been more like family. I love the heart of the ministry....
But I had a feeling that God was calling me out of this. I am not a quitter. And it was so hard to leave half way through the year...
It broke me in a lot of ways. And it hurt the people that I was working with...
A friend of mine was recently in this same situation of being called from where he was.
He was saying that sometimes people get hurt through not understanding the work of God....
I don't know if I like that...but it makes sense.
Ah, I've even been stupid and selfish enough to get jealous and hurt over a friend moving away...to do missions work...how insane is that?!

But, I was at peace that I would take the step to follow whatever God had in mind for this semester...
I was broken about leaving the group...

I was sitting in my room talking to my roommate when we got a knock on the door...

I had heard this girl perform spoken word last semester and it was really touching...such a blessing
so i wrote her a note and found her dorm and slipped in under her door.

she was the knock at the door...
she had been looking for me.
she came to say thank you.
and said to keep life open. and shining for God
and just to follow Him through every action of life...
to trust and live.
it was such a peace.

she prayed over me.
such an encouragement.

The God of the universe continues to surprise me...
and I don't know why I continue to think of Him on Human terms...

I'm smiling ...
true joy.

Sin and Redemption

I was reading for my theology class this morning. Lutheranism actually. It's very interesting, not that it's so far beyond what I know in the Protestant faith. Just whenever you get down to the foundational ideas of anything I think you realize new things.

The Lutheran faith believes that humans are seen as both sinners and completely redeemed. Is that possible?
But then, isn't that what we are?

God saved us, yes, without a doubt. we are redeemed.
But I am a sinner. By nature, by actions.

I am just a little confused at the statement. I am a sinner and yet redeemed. Do they contradict themselves?
Is that the nature of God at work?

Eye Catching

Look at her. She is breath taking. I saw this picture on The Independent website. Her name is Wideline. Her parents were killed in the earthquake in Haiti. My heart breaks for this 9 year old girl.
Please pray for Wideline. Her future. Healing. A Home. Role Models.

....Haiti, our hearts break with yours.

...Tonight...

I spent time being broken with God tonight...still am.

Have so many ideas, cries and thoughts. Won't be able to write them all

but i think there is something about always having something to ponder...

I feel so inadequate, I think that's because I am. and yet I think sometimes I must underestimate myself..as a daughter of God. There are greater things to do...and I sit here..in my humanity.

I feel disconnected, I feel helpless, i feel like i should be doing something.

I was wondering the other day. Does God ever feel helpless....in His sovereignty?


more later...

I went running yesterday. It was cold, but warmer than its been all week, so I thought i would take the opportunity to wear shorts...People from NC would I think was crazy in shorts running in the cold....but I needed it.

I ran a little around wayne and walked when I got really deep in thought....

Here were my thoughts.

are some people better lovers?
is the attraction between ppl the character of God in them? amigo dei? and then the mess or conflict in those relationships the sin or humanity within the persons?
are the people that can look over the humanity in people and make relationships work through the mess better lovers?

a lovers rain will wash away the envy and the fear~ josh radin


I was listening to Hallelujah by Kate Voegele a lot lately.
hallelujah...a lovers cry for what? to be alive? do we sing hallelujah in life...in just broken, complecated, mixed tones?
love is not a victory march...its a cold and broken hallelujah.

do we exclaim that theres a God above in every breath we take.
when we are living in our humanity. does is show that we know there has to be something greater than the mess we’ve created?

This is the mess within my head...and when I let it, on my heart.
Good day.

Mess,

I feel like a lot of things are in a mess right now.

I guess that's what happens when lives come together, stories overlap and humanity is involved.

Sometimes I wonder about the thing that we've made life out to be. Why is it that in life we look for success and relationships? Why is it that we are driven to impress others? Why is it that equality is not one of the first thoughts in our mind when it comes to humanity?

I think these are just random thoughts that come when I try to get an answer or solution to all thats going on in my immediate circle of friends.

Why do we need things that we might not want? Why we want things that we may not need?
Is the only solution to that Humanity?
Is it the essence of spirituality? The struggle or journey of finding what is sustaining?

I'm sorry most of this blog is questions, but this is the way I think.

right now I'm feeling the broken piece......not so beautiful...

Cut and Paste Generation

First week of classes at EASTERN! so far all my classes have been fantastic! ....I am about to go to business statistics..i'll let you know how that goes.
anyways, my international relations professor was talking and touched on the fact that my generation is known as the cut and paste generation....
that hurt.
he expanded.
our generation is known for transferring information, not engaging. we know how to present and access but do not take time to connect to it.....