I want to cry. I want to break down. I want to be held by my God. I want to be whole. I have at least two sided emotions where I feel one way and then the other. Almost simultaneously.
What does this say about me?
God, I want to be focused. I want to be wholly human through emotions, thought and spirit. and yet there are these emotions that pull me. . .
We have been talking about the doctrine of sin in my theology class. It is so unexplainable what Wholeness looks like. All we know is sin. . . and a sin impacted world. Did the world have this confusion of thoughts and emotions before sin came into humanity?
Its frustrating. And confusing. . . Abba, Hold me Daddy. I want to be whole through you.
I don't know quite how to explain this . . . but, I was at worship last night. It was such a good time. We sang your love is extravagant. It talks about how God considers us friends. . . I compare myself in relationships to others wondering why people would want to be friends with me. I am not self confident but I don't often wonder why Jesus pays me a second glance.
Why is that?
Honestly, I don't think I was letting Jesus love me. I didn't feel like I was enough. . or just didn't really recognize the imago dei within me that He so values and sees as precious. Well,
Now i'm letting Him. Jesus loves me. I feel renewed.
Ok, so connecting to my previous post, I had a thought.
A friend and I were talking today about the nature of relationships (friends, acquaintance, dates, etc.) We were discussing our tendency of bringing our human gifts and support into the relationships instead of bringing transparency and a willing spirit and a desire to see God work in and through the relationship.
I think lately I have taken a lot of my relationships to heart. . . almost like a burden and not as a joy. I know it sounds awful, and that's not my intent. I'll try to explain further.
I think I've been taking too much of the responsibility of relationships onto my shoulders instead of allowing that to be inspired my God. Does that make more sense? It's just a journey of giving it up to him.
I went walking in the snow the other night. It was beautiful, it was mysterious, it was surreal. It was peaceful. I felt all those things. Beauty. Peace. Mystery.
. . . and yet, I also felt that there was something deep in my heart that I wasn't surrendering to.
I still feel like this. I have kept my self pretty busy since said snow walk, so I haven't had a time to get into my thoughts. . .
Honestly, I have mixed feelings when looking deep at my life/feelings/dreams. I get disappointed that the person I am is not the person I thought was becoming. . . and then I get excited about what is takin place there.. .
I don't know. I guess this post is just the precursor to my thoughts and ponderings. . . I'll leave it at that.
I was with a friend tonight. We were just talking about life and passions and dreams. I can't really understand their mind. He answered a few questions just about how he thought. . . and then asked me why I wanted to know these things...
I want to understand.
I want to get life.
I don't want to miss anything....
I think lately I've felt that I am skimming the surface on life and issues and opportunities that I want to wrestle with and experience.
I caught up with another friend last night. She said that she is tired of being so caught up in the everyday task of school, work, homework, family etc. It's hard to dream big then and see beyond the next 24 hours. But, is this really living? Day to day? task to task?
I want to transcend what is task and see what is purpose.
So, I had this thought today. I struggle with this quite often actually.
I want to be authentic in everything I do in life. However, when I actually embrace that I am having a bad day or I let a situation effect my personality I feel guilty. There are so many people that are dealing with more harsh conditions. Why should I have a bad day because I woke up late or because I didn't do as expected on a quiz....?
Do I have a right to embrace authenticity when transparency leaves me feeling upset over small issues in life?
Thoughts later but this has been on repeat on my computer...
It takes a crane to build a crane It takes two floors to make a storie It takes an egg to make a hen It takes a hen to make an egg There is no end to what I'm saying
It takes a thought to make a word And it takes some words to make an action And it takes some work to make it work It takes some good to make it hurt It takes some bad for satisfaction
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle Ah la la la la life is wonderful Ah la la la la la
It takes a night to make it done And it takes a day to make you young brother And it takes some old to make you young It takes some cold to know the sun It takes the one to have the other
And it takes no time to fall in love But it takes you years to know what love is And it takes some fears to make you trust It takes those tears to make it rust It takes the dust to have it polished
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful Ah la la la la
It takes some silence to make sound And it takes a lost before you found it And it takes a road to go nowhere It takes a toll to show you care It takes a hole to see a mountain
Ah la la la la la life is wonderful Ah la la la la la life goes full circle Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful Ah la la la la la life is meaningful Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful Ah la la la la la life is meaningful Ah la la la la la la life is full of Ah la la la la la life is so full of love Ah la la la la la life is wonderful Ah la la la la la la life is meaningful Ah la la la la la life is full of Ah la la la la la life is so full of love
I get frustrated with myself alot. I know most people probably do. I not only get frustrated at myself but then I get annoyed at that taking over all my thoughts. But the most recent self absorbed thought was this: I am not a quite person. I know this. But I have recently got annoyed at myself for not talking sometimes. I will talk at all the easy times and then when it is time to engage a person, issue, event, etc. I decide that my ideas, opinions aren't worth mentioning. Do I really struggle with this much of a lack of confidence?
I have the song I saw by Matt Nathanson in my head. The chorus keeps going through my head...
And I saw Pictures in my head And I swear I saw you opening up, again Cuz I would be heavenly if baby you'd just rescue me, now
I have substituted the last line. Baby if you'd come to me now. . .
I think God looks at me every day and has these thoughts. I feel like I get right to the edge of surrender or opening up completely and then I turn. . . and do what?
I don't know. I really had sat down to write this blog on a totally different topic...guess that'll have to wait.
Me? Um, my passion is my Savior. I love serving, laughing, hanging out with family and friends and being outside! I tend to talk to loud, embarrass myself a good bit and think a little outside the norm. I love to travel. I would live anywhere in the world if you let me...